EDWARD WITTEN Q&A


[Source:algo.inria.fr/flajolet/Policy/adoration_golden_calf_POUSSIN.jpg]
The adoration of the Golden Calf

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AS THE STORY OF THE CIVILIZATION UNFOLDS:
THE EDWARD WITTEN PHENOMENON HELPS US UNDERSTAND A GREAT ‘BIBLICAL’ REVIVAL UNDERWAY

Q. When did String Theory Superguru Edward Witten conceive String Theory?
A. He did not conceive String Theory.

Q. Well … er… when did he conceive new space dimensions?
A. He did not conceive new space dimensions.

Q. Are we talking about the same Edward Witten?
A. We are talking about Edward Witten the Übermensch.

Q. What is his fundamental contribution to the field of Physics then?
A. He has made no fundamental contributions to physics.

Q. So he has made fundamental contributions to the field of Mathematics?
A. He has made no fundamental contributions to mathematics.

Q. I have heard that he was earlier in the fields of History, Economics and Journalism. Has he made contributions there, then?
A. He could not hack it in any of these fields.

Q. What does he do, exactly?
A. He calculates.

Q. What does he calculate?
A. He calculates the stuffings out of the universe.

Q. Can you be more specific – using layman’s terms?
A. He makes mathematical Rube Goldberg Machines.

Q. What do these machines do?
A. Take a pebble from the three-dimensional world to an n-dimensional world (n > 3) and bring it back.

Q. Well, this seems to be a great achievement if it can be tested. Suppose one keeps his eyes fixated on the pebble when Witten starts his calculations. When Witten makes the pebble move away from the 3-D world, can one can actually see that it is gone, vanished?
A. No.

Q. I still don’t get it. In what field has Edward Witten made his fundamental contribution?
A. Edward Witten has brought unprecedented excellence to the very rich and varied and burgeoning field of Oxdung Artistry.

Q. Surely you jest! How is it that he has such a large high-power and distinguished group of followers?
A. Followers schmollowers!

Q. Your answers are hard to believe. One need merely to read the excellent Wikipedia article on Witten to become convinced that …
A. … Edward Witten is physics’ answer to Ron Popeil? Deepak Chopra? These are also very hardworking people with high output and great following.

Q. Well, how is it that he has received so many high institutional accolades from the President of the United States, from His Majesty King of Sweden, from His Eminence the Chief Executive of the Vatican – and above all and beyond all – the editors of TIME Magazine? How can you take a position against such overwhelmingly high and collective authority?
A. I do not know what authority you speak of, but as far as physics is concerned, I am in plain evidence as the supreme authority. I have the final word. I have debunked seven Physics Nobels already awarded by this very scientific establishment – bogus awards which the above very “authority” once touted in exactly the same manner. [1]

Q. OK, but how can we understand this situation on the ground?
A. There can be only one explanation.

Q. What is that?
A. Oxdung Artistry [2] has been slowly and imperceptively institutionalized as a legitimate field of noble human endeavor and high human aspiration. We are now seeing accolades being given by the society for excellence in this field. The highest intellectuals deliver the best oxdung artistry. Mathematics is the highest vehicle, physics is the highest arena. Following Witten’s phenomenal success, bright youngsters around the World are preparing themselves to become the finest oxdung artistes when they grow up.

EDWARD WITTEN IN THE GREATER CONTEXT
The adoration of oxdung:
A 21st century intellectual-arena revival of an Exodus phenomenon

EDWARD WITTEN FAQ

A handy Edward Witten ready-reference wallet card
[Click to enlarge]

References

1. Seven bogus physics Nobels
2. On Bullsh#t by Harry G. Frankfurt (Princeton University Press, 2005)

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