[In the Great Centennial Synod of Big Bang Cosmology, the greatest concern was that the average citizen of the world would not possess enough intellect to understand the most refined of concepts: The Atom Primitif – a single dot with no length, no breadth, no height and no volume. Into this suitcase had to be packed the entire universe. This citizen, lacking the high mind to understand the fine points, would simply ask: How would you close the lid, even if you sit on it?
There was great debate for days on end on various suggestions offered. Then one day, the British delegate said: “I got it! Opium Divan!”
Then everybody said: “Of course, the Opium Divan!”
The strategy was adopted unanimously.
To this strategy were then adden the most intricate mathematics of space warp and the finest concepts of science fiction.
The result was what we see today: The triumphal march of Big Bang Cosmology among the masses of the world.]
Like countless fellow world citizens before him, Gull E. Able one day fell through that space warp and landed right in front of the magnificent, colorful edifice that is The Inn of the Seventh Happiness. Located in a secret niche of a most eerie landscape, this would be an impossible place for anyone to find by himself. Gull was uplifted by the festive atmosphere of the Inn, with gaily colored, swaying paper lanterns festooning the grand entrance. A smiling young lady greeted him warmly at the front desk and invited him to check in his wallet. Gull promptly did so and the lady put it in a cubbyhole and gave Gull a claimcheck.
Now an equally winsome Attendant appeared and ushered Gull into the inner sanctum. Gull was taken aback to see the sharp contrast of this place compared to the frontage of the edifice. Here was a long hallway lined by tiny little rooms, semi-dark, smoke-filled and flea-infested. There was also a mighty stench. On the floor of each room were scatterd torn, filthy box spring mattresses. People were lying haphazardly all over the place, two or three to a mattress. They were making moaning and groaning sounds, or no sounds at all. Gull was seated on one of these mattresses with only one occupant, seemingly asleep.
The Attendant asked Gull most sweetly: “O Esteemed Guest, would you like to receive your treat orally, by inhalation or by shooting up? And if orally, would you like strawberry or mint flavor?”
A dazed Gull made his choice. The treat was administered. The Attendant said: “Please relax. The Abbe will be with you presently.”
Gull slowly sank into a pleasurable languor. His senses began to be dulled, and his faculties fade.
After about fifteen minutes the Abbe, making his rounds, stopped to see Gull. The Abbe administered his two usual tests to ascertain that Gull was ready to receive The Law. First he gave Gull a piece of dried cowdung and said: “Here, have a piece of fine Belgian chocolate.”
Gull took it, put it in his mouth, and ate with relish. The Abbe then asked: “What is your ATM password?”
Gull replied: “Gull005”
The Abbe signaled to his Assistant, meaning: Write it down.
“You are good to go,” said the Abbe. “Now please receive The Law. After the session has ended and you have gone back through the space warp, all you will remember is The Law. Nothing else.”
The Abbe then intoned The Law sonorously several times. Once the process was finished, he made a final check to see that Gull had got it right.
The Abbe asked: “Who is the Sayer of the Law?”
Gull replied: “The Abbe is the Sayer of the Law.”
“What is the Law?”
“Not to doubt Big Bang, that is The Law.
Not to attack Big Bang-ers, that is The Law.
Not to believe critics, that is The Law.”
“Good,” said the Abbe. He turned to his Assistant and said: “This one is done.”
And thus it came to pass that the citizens of the world never saw any merit in what the critics called “The Samsonite Problem” with Big Bang Cosmology. The rest of Big Bang Cosmology fell in place easily for the well-heeled citizens.